Okay... Here's More Things About The Thing

Here is what I said at another site about porn. (It's three posts, so it's long!)

Number One:

I used to feel pornography was to be accepted as something men... oh, for lack of a better word... need. I have a sister who's husband was addicted to porn. It wound up ruining her marriage. I tried to counsel her to take it easy on the guy. I mean, how is a man to resist it? I feel differently now.

I don't have a moral agenda against pornography. But I do believe (and many sex therapists will back me up on this, cause I've heard it from them repeatedly) that porn is detrimental to a healthy sexual relationship. Often, people who are struggling with sexual issues watch porn in order to help with them. Sex therapists will sometimes (not always) tell them that this will make things worse. And I believe it does skew the way men and women see sex and sexuality.

But all of that aside, let's address this porn insecurity issue. I was involved with a man who had not had a relationship with a woman in ten years. He pretty much totally depended on porn to... er... stir him up and keep things going. He had a pretty good sized collection. When we met, he was bowled over to find a woman who was so sexually driven. He said, "Oh I dont need this porn anymore! I have you!" (Well it is kinda true.. I am kinda like walking, private porn!) I told him I didn't care if he wanted to watch his porn from time to time. It was his business. After a time, he convinced me to move in with him. God knows how. It goes against every fiber of my being to actually LIVE with a man. We had a very active sex life. Then he started getting up out of bed and going online and watching porn. While I was in bed in the other room! And I was horny, too! I would go in and say, "what's up?" He'd sorta try to hide it and say, "oh, nuthin.. just readin emails" Hmmm... I said, "why are you in here looking at these girls when you have one who is ready, wiling and VERY able right in the next room?" He gave me some lame answer about getting ideas and doing it for me. (God help him. Poor guy.) Now, some of this was the "forbidden fruit" syndrome. (As I said, it wasn't I that forbid it... he grew up believing porn was wrong.) But really, I should never again like to be involved with a man who would rather watch porn alone, while I am at hand!

Number Two:

I realized after some serious thinking why it should bother me for my important person to be regularly viewing porn. It's because I want all of his experiences with naked women to be with me! There are arguments about whether or not "online" encounters are cheating, and I put this on the same level. Any intimate sexual encounter (and I am pretty sure that intimate emotional encounters count, too) should be classified as cheating, in my book. I would be extremely disturbed to find that my lover has been having cyber sex and/or phone sex with another woman. And even though with porn, you are not enjoying the participation of the woman, you are experiencing something intimate with her in mind. I think this would be highly destructive to your own exclusive relationship. If you don't want to be exclusive, then just don't be. Last I checked, this was still a free country!

Number Three:

Trouble is, porn can be a real addiction. Has nothing to do with the woman and whether or not she's making him feel wanted or if she's open and playful in the bedroom. Many a man really does feel the "pull of the screen" when the woman he's with has done nothing but make him feel all the things a man wants to feel. In fact, I think it's important to point out to women that if their guy is thus addicted, it is NOT a reflection on her inadequacies. Such is the same if her man is cheating on her. I do believe the old adage that if you don't give your husband a blow job, somebody will! But I don't think this should be taken to mean that men have license to go get it. It just means that they usually do. And when they do, it's THEIR trouble in dealing with their own needs properly, not YOUR failure to do so!

Seduction always begins in the mind. I believe pornography leads to discontentment and over time will lead to a man believing he is somehow missing out on something. It encourages infidelity. Any person who thinks it is strengthening the sexual bond is highly misled. Would it not then follow that swinging and other extramarital indulgences should strengthen, rather than weaken?

The relationship between a man and a woman is not based on sex or sexual experiences. Sex is the expression of what is happening between a man and a woman. Not the other way 'round. It doesn't get any more simple than that.

Lost in Spaces

In a previous post, I mentioned another space where I write. I don't write there any more cause they don't let me use words like shit, fuck and... well any of my favorite things. And sometimes, those words are just necessary to make the point! But it is a site where it's easier to post pictures, and I have plenty of pics of the entire family there! So visit it at will:

http://veriveriteri.spaces.live.com

I also have a "myspace" but that's mostly just to keep in contact with the kids in my life. (Yeah, Leslie, I just called you a kid!) Not much to see there, except maybe the comments of my biggest fans. And, no lie, sometimes their adoration is the very thing that gets me through. Someday I'll tell the story of how I feel about myspace.

www.myspace.com/veriveriteri

Okay, Here's The Thing...

I have strong feelings about pornography. Feelings about it's detrimental effects on men. In short, I believe indulgence in porn hinders him from becoming sexually mature. But I'm not a snob. I don't FREAK OUT about porn, or porn shops. Or if I see it on tv. In fact, about six months ago, I applied for a job at a sex shop. I think sexual freedom and growth is a great thing.

So, I was just today wondering, "How does my current boyfriend feel about porn? Does he spend his time watching porn?" Well first of all, he works A LOT and he drives A LOT and almost every spare moment is spent either sleeping or eating or sexing (that's my part.. hee) ~ and second of all, I asked him about an email I sent him about two months ago and he said, "I don't remember the last time I was online." (Not that I think porn is only available online.)

We met online. We first chatted on the phone for a week or two before meeting in person. I remember I would just ramble and ramble about what I thought about things and such. He is a man mostly of few words, but he was responsive and would stay on the phone a long time. I do recall bringing up the subject of porn and even asking how he felt about it. BUT, on the day we met, I was so overwhelmed by his... well here is where I lose it. I can't even think of the word for it. I even told him that day, "I don't usually date guys who are prettier than I am." He's just so... oh gosh... well he's like a viking that stepped out of some ancient battlefield. He's just so... (honestly, right now I'm weak just thinking about him) Well, anyway, ever since that day, I've been speechless. And I don't recall anything we talked about before we met or anything! My only hope is that this will wear off and I'll come to my senses! Or maybe my hope is that it won't! :)

I Have No Use For Eva Longoria

This post might have some random statements, such as the title.
And I have no idea why my background template decided to change. I was scrolling through the various options over a month ago, and I clicked on this one called TEQUILA, cause I thought, "ooooooh... I love tequila!" (Yeah I know. Good Reason.)
Anyway, I wanted to see what it looked like and it just never showed me. So I moved on. (It's true. I know how to move on from those things.)
The other day I guess it decided to change! Haven't decided if I like it or not. I had the rose-colored one for so long. I'm not sure I want to see things without the rose-colored glasses. Time will tell. It always does.
So I'm kinda pissed off today. My son is dating a girl whose step-father is a neanderthal. In all fairness, I know almost nothing about him. But everything I do know so far is negative. Well... he does make a very good carne asada, which is nothing to be sneezed at! Her mother is an idiot, at best.
So why should I be upset? Because now son and girlfriend are expecting a child. Which means (you guessed it) I am now linked to these two undesirables for the rest of my life!
Yesterday, the caveman found out about it. Parents' responses to their teenage daughter's pregnancy is always fascinating to me. I'm sure you can imagine that I've seen a lot of these responses. I have rarely seen a case where their first reaction wasn't in light of the reflection this will make on them as parents. They feel like they've failed. They are not happy about letting people know that they are failures. In short, it's all about them. As humans, it's only natural that our initial responses be about us. We are egocentric creatures.
This creature decided that he would insist that the "kids" get married. So I called a meeting. I told him that I understand his shock and concern, and that my son is clearly ready to take his responsibility in the matter seriously. His life has now changed drastically and will continue to do so. But I will not stand idly by while a "shotgun wedding" is performed. The man then proceeded to tell me about his upright view of the sacred wedding vows and their importance and blah blah blah... to which I said, "I don't agree." So he said, "Well then what do we do?" I said, "I say it doesn't matter what you or what I think, it matters what they think... let's ask them." And so we did. He conceded that the wedding was not going to be a priority that he would try to force. Fuckin hell. What's next? I can see that it's not going to be an easy journey. That's alright. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

Scary Women with Signs!

Yep. I'm talking about the women who are working the crosswalks during school hours. I rarely see a man doing it, so I'm gonna go ahead and presume to write this story as if it applies to the women of that ilk alone.

You can imagine that, over the years, I've been exposed (well not literally.. hehe) to a great many of these sign-holders. And they are not messin' around! You break some rule, which no one would have a clue exists, and they would have your head if they could! I mean I think they even have stuff like, "only blue cars are allowed on this side of the road, the red cars on the other, and all other colors are shit outta luck!"

Since the school district decided to stop offering the school bus for free, there is a LOT of traffic coming and going. So I have no doubt that these women have all rights to going "postal" at any given moment. (Someone else can think of a word that would apply to this job, as opposed to "postal." I have a migraine.)

My son drove me to pick up my little charges yesterday. He has only had to do this a few times and he was literally shaking when we got close to the crosswalks. It's like stunted driving because you are sure they are going to yell at you any second! Should I stop? Should I go? I said, "What's wrong? She's not in the crosswalk, you don't have to slow down." He said, "Those ladies scare me!"

Emotional Integrity

Worth every penny you pay for it. I lived for years without it. Didn't even realize I was doing so. It's kinda like being sick, but not knowing how very sick you are. Until you're well again. All those years of telling myself I was staying for the sake of the children. And I wasn't lying to myself. I really believed it was doing them good. At some point, the discomfort of the comfort of having things stay the same became too great to pretend away any more. So I had to go. After 18 years of a bad marriage, I finally walked out. It devastated the children. I don't believe there is any way to dissolve your marriage without devastating them. I don't care what "ideal circumstances" you come up with. But these seven years later, it's clear to me that the only thing to regret about the whole thing is that I didn't leave sooner. The children learned a much greater thing in seeing the end of that wretched union. They learned the difference between a home of darkness and pretense and a home of truth and light. There was a false sense of security that they didn't much like doing without at first, but when they came to know what REAL security stands on they were the much better for it. It all cost a great deal of pain, but every one of us wound up with the prize of emotional integrity.

I had the wonderful privilege of having dinner last weekend with my beautiful and vibrant daughter Erin (along with my visiting niece, Graci). Graci wants to leave Utah and go SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE. She loved being here with us so much and even said she wanted to stay without going back home to pack up for the move! She hemmed and hawed about needing a job, etc. I told her, "When I came here, I had nothing... when Erin came here, she had nothing... and we've both had nothing several times since! But we'd rather starve in southern California than thrive anywhere else! You just have to decide to do it... and go... or you never will!" My daughter then interjected with a very serious look... she turned to me and said, "Mom, I know many people have criticized you for the methods you've chosen in child rearing and for some of the choices you've made, but I need you to know, that it's only because of the way you've loved me no matter what... no matter what kind of a shithead I am... that I have had the strength to do the sort of thing you're talking about. You have always made me feel beautiful and loved and important and strong and it's your belief in me that keeps me going." A mother can't ask for greater words. All three of my children have said things like this to me. After all the struggling and striving I went through, not knowing if it had been a mistake to leave their father... to find that they love me and admire me, even through my greatest weakness, was the great treasure I didn't even know I would find. I heard a phrase yesterday that I asked my youngest son about this morning. He was almost twelve when his dad and I got divorced. He's eighteen now. I said that I heard children would much rather be from a broken home than to live in one. He said, "That's true, mom... I most definitely agree. And have I told you today that I love you?" (Of course he had, he tells me all the time.)

The more men change.....

... the more they fuckin stay the same!

Yesterday I changed my yahoo profile to read that I'm in a relationship and I added "If you're interested in making friends, feel free to contact me... but condescending assholes need not apply" ~ sumthin like that. Figured it MIGHT filter out some of the asinine random contacts I get. I don't mind meeting people. In fact, I like to. Even now, I'm chatting with a girlfriend from Kentucky I met online a few years ago and we've become the very BEST of girlfriends! (HI BECKA!)

Anyway, today I received two random contacts... one new one ~ a married man looking for fun. We had a short but pleasant conversation, but only after I made sure he could read and knew that I was NOT interested in the fun he's after. At the same time, I get a message from a previous dumbshit who sent me a message a year ago or so and here is how today's convo went (his nick has been changed to protect his dumbfuckness):

adamsmith: hi
adamsmith: from, usa
adamsmith: i m adam amale

teri: hello...
teri: have we chatted before?

adamsmith: i think yes

teri: I think so too

adamsmith: i am adam and you ?

teri: I think I didn't really like chatting with you before... and I doubt I'll like it now

adamsmith: thanks
adamsmith: your asl please

teri: okay.. that's enough... now fuck off

Honestly, no wonder I have to write a book.
I can't make this shit up!

For Where Your Treasure Is, There Will Your Heart Be Also

The Clan of the Nordic Bear had a lovely gathering on Terrace Drive this last Easter weekend. Of course there was food and drink that wouldn’t quit. (Our new fun thing is the “bucket o’ margaritas” which makes it oh, so easy to drink one after another!)

Amongst the eating and drinking and merrying activities was a very nearly dead heat round of Balderdash… and no end of laughter. But midway through the game Grandpa Bill (aka Papa Nordic Bear, aka Dad) came in and made an announcement (even with his golf hat atop his head). “I found a plastic egg that must have been missed in an Easter egg hunt years ago in the front yard. In it, I put something silver and something gold and hid it in the back yard. When you are finished with your game here, everyone go out and search for it!” (He knew the egg was from years past, as it’s been ages since we’ve had children of egg-hunting age in the family.) So after Erika properly won the Balderdash game, we all went out smartly to find a little lone egg in a fairly large back yard. Yes, go ahead and picture it… a group of thirteen or fourteen adults wandering around aimlessly… saying, “Now where would I be if I were an egg?”

At one point, I began asking for clues. Dad would respond, “It’s in the back yard.” Ha. And then I’d say, “Is it visible?” He’d say, “No… hence the word hidden.” Ha ha.

Tami finally found the egg in the bird feeder, buried in sunflower seeds (after Dad relented and gave us a hint that it could be found North, Northwest of where Jim was standing at the moment). He made us all gather together while she opened it and inside was a neat surprise. A rock with some silver in’t and a rough little piece of gold from the Santa Fe National Forest he’d obtained years ago. Pretty cute treasure.

A Car Seat with a View

I played George Michael’s “Father Figure” for the grandbaby yesterday, while we were in the car driving to Auntie Tami’s house… this is what she probably heard:

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … loves you … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … daddy … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … loves you … blah blah blah blah blah

Just goes to show you… things can be so different, depending on where you’re sitting!

Things That Don't Make Sense...

This list, of course, is NOT exhaustive... I will feel the need to add to it from time to time, and you are all (all? that's funny... how many readers do I have? Five?) welcome to do the same... by all means ~ add to the TTDMS list!

1. People who drive big vehicles (i.e. SUVs and TRUCKs)forgetting to remember that, when they are pulled up to a stop sign, that the little cars can't see around them. When a person with a big head or a big butt is in a theater or at a parade, they are constantly aware that they might be a hindrance to the field of vision of the people around them. Why does this rule not apply on the road???

2. Women who get upset when the toilet seat is left up. I mean, really... can't you just put it down before you sit on it? Is it all that necessary to be able to sit on a toilet without first looking at it? Are you approaching the bathroom with your eyes closed? You ARE facing the toilet when you walk in, right? You don't walk in backwards? (Once, while visiting a bachelor friend, he said, "I always tell the women who visit to be sure and put the toilet seat back up please!!!" ~ he was a character.)

3. Why do you hear people say they need a bigger bathroom? What do they plan on doing in there... dancing? Seriously, how much room do you need to shower and use the potty? Even a bathroom with an oversized, fun tub... you just need room to walk from it to the bedroom, right?

4. Reminds me of a joke:

Why men will never understand women:

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up
in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing
back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to
herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband. "You need more tail".

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind.
Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Today... while the blossoms still cling to the vine...

March 10, 2005
Bill & Ginny
Celebrating 49 Years Together
with the fringes of love blossoming on the Family Tree… as always



The Dance: In dancing, the women usually know the steps and the men know the holds.

Marriage: Having someone to witness your life.

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. ~Paul Sweeney

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. ~Hoosier Farmer

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly. ~Peter De Vries

Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. ~Author Unknown

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ~Mignon McLaughlin

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. ~Author Unknown

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Are we not like two volumes of one book? ~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

True love stories never have endings. ~Richard Bach


And finally…

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. ~Woody Allen

It's Valentine's Day...

...and this is my story.

It is a lovely life. I have received more love than anyone could possibly deserve. My parents are a beautiful picture of a close and caring union. They knew each other six weeks from the time they met until the time they married. This March 10, that will be 49 years ago.

I go swimming every morning and then go to mom and dad’s house to have breakfast and get ready for work. Dad had given mom a heart-shaped box full of almond roca and a pair of cutesy socks. He called me into the living room to check out her new socks. His cards are always mushy and quite the tear jearkers. Mom’s cards to him are usually comedic, but also extremely mushy. They are just too cute.

But when I arrived at their house earlier, Dad was the only one up. I said hello as I hauled my stuff into the spare bedroom I always use and came back into the kitchen. Dad said, “Happy Valentine’s Day!” and I said, “Thanks! Happy V.D. to you too!” He then walked into the living room, opened up the candy dish, picked up a little red foil wrapped chocolate heart, brought it to me and said, “Here’s your valentine.” It was one of the best gifts I have ever received.

So, in short… I have had and continue to have many admirers. I’d be hard pressed to count the whole of them, over the years. But regardless of how many men swear their undying devotion and love to me, it’s my Dad who is always there for me… even with a little chocolate heart.

With what measure you judge....

Judgment is a tricky thing. I find that when I’m discussing something with someone, they often might become uncomfortable with the subject matter and say something like, “Well, I don’t like to judge.” What a line of bullshit. That has to mean one of two things. Either you are at a loss for words and want the conversation to end, or you have set yourself up on some sort of self-righteous pedestal. Of course you judge. We all do. It’s natural and good to do so. How can we possibly make a reasonable go at this life without making judgments? When I meet someone, I make certain observations about them. For instance, if they have shifty eyes, I might be inclined to mistrust them. As I get to know them, it may become clear that there is a different reason for the shiftiness, but until that happens, I have to interpret what I know about them. I had a friend say, “I don’t like to make judgments until I know the whole story.” Well I find it hard to believe that anyone ever really has the whole story. Let me make some examples. Recently a lieutenant general was quoted in a newspaper article as saying, "It's fun to shoot some people... You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them." Now, I don’t have to know anything else about this man to know certain things about him. I don’t need to know the context of what he said, as there is no context where this sort of statement would be appropriate. Or, another example, I recently saw a video taken from a hidden camera of a woman smacking a baby in the head. I don’t need to know anything else about her to know that her privilege of being around children should be revoked. Of course, when you cross the line into pigeonholing people just for the sake of making you feel superior, this is wrong. I think this is the thing we are resisting when we say we don’t judge. We don’t want to become like that. As well we shouldn’t. But we must not think that judging is a bad word. It is a thing we ought to do. In fact, I’m sure we don’t do enough of it. I mean in the right way. We’ve got right-wingers judging left-wingers, and vice versa. All to prove one’s own “rightness.” (Right about being left? Left about being right?) So, on a circular path, we return… judgment is a tricky thing. I think of many a professing Christian who quotes the bible, but if you return to the original meaning of the word, we are admonished not to judge in the sense of deciding condemnation and punishment. We are actually told that we should judge things and even the behavior of people. But we are also told many other things to add to that, which protects us from the wrong sort of judgment. So please just don’t talk to me about this shit unless you are prepared to give an account for what you say. Because I’ll call you on it.

Stretch pants - the garment that made skiing a spectator sport.

Living in Utah, there’s a big push for skiers. I believe everyone in our family has tried it, at least once. I know Erika became quite an avid skier for a time. But we all have our stories to tell. I won’t bore you with mine now. Just suffice it to say that it was a premonition of my entire marriage. I will share, though, my mother’s story. She has a friend who lived in this area at the time. She said, “Now, Ginny… you have GOT to try skiing! It’s just the greatest thing to do!” Mom protested… Bernie persisted… finally convincing mom to use Bernie’s hubby’s equipment and take a shot at trying to make it down a hill without tumbling. All prepared for the big day (which means being sure to bring along a thermos full of gin & tonic) they headed up to the slopes. Mom became frustrated time after time because when you fall, it is certainly not easy to get up again! We all know you do a lot of falling on that first day too. At one point, very nearly at the end of her rope… struggling and struggling to set herself aright again… an older gentleman shussssshed up and said, (I’m imagining a grinning man with arms akimbo like superman) “Now if you want to get up, you have to put your arms here and there and put your legs here and there and push this and that and move this way and that way and… voila! You’ll be up!” Mom looked squarely up at him and said, “Fuck off!” Which he did. Bernie nearly fell off her skis laughing. Mom somehow stood up and began to ski down the hill, and finding that she had no way to stop when she reached the bottom, she simply found a bus to run into. She took off her gear, grabbed her thermos, went to the lodge, put her feet up and proceeded to finish the day off emptying that thermos.

Passing Pungs and Dragons...

We have a family tradition. On Superbowl Sunday, we get together to play Mah Jongg, in the style set by the Wright-Patterson OWC.

“During the 1920’s when Wright-Patterson AFB was still McCook Field, Mah Jongg players began to compile their own rules and hands based on the ancient Chinese game. The first edition of the rule book was the work of Sylva Bauer and Helen Morris. The basis of the current book has been the cumulative experience of 70 years of service-connected Mah Jongg players.” (Interesting stuff, eh?)

Most people associate the term “Mah Jongg” with the bizarre matching game available for use on your PC. I have yet to discover why this has any association with the game I know. But we have fun. Over the years, the dynamics have changed. When we were still young and learning the game, we would go to a real superbowl party where the tables were set up for the women to play the tile game, while the men watched the game... (which I never really saw them do… I’m reasonably sure they didn’t even know the score, until the game was over… they were much too busy binking dreers and poking smot… okay, maybe not poking smot… but I do know the ladies kept them busy mixing the drinks… “Garcon! My glass is empty!”) And as time marched on, some of the names and places changed… but we still make some feeble attempt at the ritual…

Those were the days of the ya-yas. This Sunday, we did indeed spend the day playing Mah Jongg… binking dreers… (and other libations)… eating yummies… and watched while the next generation of the petite ya-ya clan(Katie) wiped up the floor with us!