Farrah Moans

I attended a sex toy party while I was in Utah. Yep, right there in the middle of one of the most conservative spots in the entire country. (The C-Spot, if you will.) The next day, there was an article in the paper about the swarm of these parties sweeping the state. They said that there are so many children being born there that we can only assume that SOMEBODY is having sex! I told my Slumber Parties “sex consultant” that this was a good thing, since I once read (via Kevin Bacon) that the key to a lasting relationship is to “keep the fights clean and the sex dirty!”

They offered up all sorts of “romance enhancements.” One of them being bottled pheromones. The next day I received a text message from my sister that she used her “farrah moans” and couldn’t keep her honey-pie’s hands off of her! This is my clever sister. Once I was trying to check the volume control on my hands-free cell phone device. I called her and asked her to start talking so I could do some adjustments. I realize that as soon as you say this, people clam up, so I came up with a suggestion. “Recite the Gettysburg address to me while I work on this.” A moment of total silence. During which I remember that my sister knows as much about history as I do about nunnery! But she’s a trooper. Without a word of complaint she began…. “Fourscore and seven years ago… our Father, who art in heaven… indivisible… with liberty and justice for all… oh, and the home of the braves.” I could have died laughing.

Off the subject, I am tired of getting warnings via email. Warnings about everything under the sun. From “don’t walk alone on the streets at night” to “always wear a space suit when going to the moon.” I received a warning today from a very dear friend of mine. I do hope she doesn’t read this. :) This warning was about the dangers of using your cruise control on wet or icy roads. Are you fucking kidding me? Anyone who has ever actually driven under such conditions knows that the KEY to controlling your vehicle is CONTROLLING YOUR VEHICLE! No, no… let’s let the car control itself… that should do the trick! I mean really… the car wants to remain intact as much as I do, right? WRONG! The car LOVES to hydroplane. Loves, loves, loves it. It’s fun! And if anyone tells me that they have made this mistake, I’m gonna slap them fuckin’ silly!

23 comments:

Jami said...

I have never used my cruise control on wet or icy or ever real dark roads. I have, however, hydroplaned my car right off the road. I happened back in January and was NOT fun and WAS scary as hell!

Since I'm already silly, you don't have to slap me ... unless you really want to and only do it where I really like it.

WELCOME BACK!!!

cathouse teri said...

*Teri slaps your silly ass*

Jami said...

And that's one of the places where I really like it!

Worker Mommy said...

I've always want to go to one of those. So didya buy anything ?

cathouse teri said...

Of course I bought some lotta things! :)

You should all do so. Go to slumberparties.com and make purchases. It comes discreetly in the mail and you don't even have to look for your local sex shop!

Yay us!

Crabby said...

I made that cruise control mistake. KIDDING! no slapping. LOL!

Crabby said...

Cat, I'm tossing out some of my old links and adding new ones. Care if I add yours?

Ms. Annie D said...

Welcome back, Ms. Teri!

Sex toy parties. Never done one.

I've always wondered if they're a cross between a bridal shower (which I hate for the silly games) and a Tupperware party (which I hate for the sales pressure).

But, you know, with vibrators.

cathouse teri said...

Hello Crabby and Annie! It's great to see you!

Here, have a margarita. (They are leftover from Diesel's party, where they ran out of tequila, but we got some more!)

jennifer said...

I wish you lived nearer. A sex toy party... I never get invited to those!

cathouse teri said...

Are there really no sex toy parties in Colorado?

Well if you're not invited, then have one and invite everyone or no one!

Hee hee.

Ba Doozie said...

huh???????????????


ok, sex toy parties. I have never heard of this apparently it has not reached my state? as for warnings I never recieve those, I guess no one cares if I die least of all me!!

Fourier Analyst said...

Ah CT, you so lead the life I might have had... The parties here in NL are not nearly as big a deal as the US when here you have your sex toyshop right in the downtown next to the kitchen appliance shop and on the other side two coffee shops, one of which sells more than the usual caffeine pick-me-up! I have had only one opportunity to visit, but have numerous friends who do all their birthday shopping for me there (what does this say about me I wonder...).

As for hydroplaning, well it definitely changed my life, which is the topic for my first entry into the "Soap Opera Sunday" club tomorrow!

BBC said...

"Yep, right there in the middle of one of the most conservative spots in the entire country."

Ha, ha, ha, ha. That is too fucking funny. Mormons love sex. They just try to act moral about it.

Their policy is screw until they have 13 kids, that of course will over populate and destroy the earth and destroy mankind's ability to live here.

As for cruise control, it's a lot safer to use on icy and wet surfaces than a lot of idiots and their feet on the gas pedal.

As a man that has built and drove race cars and had an 18 wheeler all over this country on cruse control and understands all about mass and weight and motion I'm pretty sure I'm right about that.

It's the idiot driving the car that wrecks it. And you are right, it is just billions of living molecules that love you and have taken on a life form in the shape of a car in order to serve you.

I assume your's has a name? Mine is the pissant express. But mostly I just call it honey.

Crabby, why would you ask Teri if it is okay if you link to her? It's your frigging blog, do what you want with it.

No body, no fucking body, tells me what I can and can't do on my blog.

Adventures In Waitressing said...

Farrah Moans LMAO.. love the play on spelling. So happy you are back. Missed reading your blogs.

Dan said...

I attended a sex toy party while I was in Utah.

And you didn't take pictures?? For shame.

Ropinator said...

Strange parties. I have heard about only one in Hungary.

Diesel said...

Sex toys? I thought those were weird looking candles.

Sorry you missed the book release party. You can still buy a signed copy of the book though.

Hello?

Brillig said...

hahahahaha. Of COURSE you went to a sex toy party in Utah. I mean, of COURSE you did!

You're so stinkin' hilarious, darling. And I love the Gettysburg Address idea--and your sisters version of it. Hahahahaha. Great stuff.

So glad you're back in Bloglandia! I've missed you so!

The Exception said...

I want some of those!!

I think such parties must be a Utah thing. I will have to consult pals in AZ, but honestly, Utah is probably the state with the spiciest sex life. To have such large families, you have to do something now and again to keep it interesting!

Ba Doozie said...

You've been NAB'D!

Don said...

Have never visited your blog before but I love it! Well, how could I not with your sense of humor?

"I attended a sex toy party while I was in Utah." Hell, I live in Florida and haven't been invited to a sex toy party. Of course, here they would probably all be rusted out. I'm green with envy.

Frankly, if I were naked I could probably cover myself with phermones and you would be able to recite the Constitution; even if you didn't know it before. Seeing you naked, I probably wouldn't get past H in the alphabet. Sex does affect men differently.

Oh, we are RV'ers. A hint: don't put the cruise control on and go back into the RV to make a sandwich, use the restroom, etc. It may control the speed but is doesn't do much for the direction.

Love to you all!

D.

cathouse teri said...

Fourier A: Yes, hydroplaning is a blast! Well.............. except when it's not planned, then it's hilarious! Hehehe.

bbc: I swear to God, if you don't stop being dumb about me, I'm gonna kick your ass outta here! I never said Utah was moral, I said it was CONSERVATIVE. Those two words have nothing to do with each other in my book. And pahleez, do not reprimand my commenters... stick to reprimanding your own at your own damn blog. (Seriously, I love your company, but please remember you are in my living room here, not your own.)

Ms. Adventurous Waitress: Always a pleasure to be appreciated. :)

Monsieur Dan: I did take pictures, but you shall only see them for a price! We do not believe in free-dom THAT much!

Ropinator: I dunno who you are? But I am sure there are sex parties in Hungary... you just gotta find 'em!

My Dear Diesel! I know! I ordered one!!!! Duh!

Kitty Brill: Of COURSE I did... you sexy thing, you! I cannot believe I didn't see you there!

Don: Welcome! Always love good company.

And now for you Ms. Ba-ba-ba-badoozie! *Teri begins her research about being NAB'D, goddammittttttttttttttt*