Haven't Got Time For The Pain?

As a mother, you feel you need to absorb so much.
Not having ever been a father, I don't know how it works for them.
But I can only describe it as like having to...
absorb impact.

My little son was so sensitive and sweet. He was just made that way.
There were people in his life that were much too hard on him.
And I had to let them be hard on him. I let them convince me that
he needed to be tough. And of course, this is true. We all need to
be tough. Unfortunatly, sometimes we forget that the world will
be tough enough. We don't have to be the ones to do it.
I still remember his big blue eyes. They are the same eyes of my
granddaughter, his baby girl. But she, being a girl, won't have so
much "toughness" inflicted on her. It's okay to be soft and sweet
with girls.
After I had my girl, and saw this, I realized that it's so much easier
to be a mother to a girl. When I became pregnant with number three,
I thought to myself that I would die if I had another boy. My heart
couldn't take it.
But it was a boy. And he was nothing like the first. He was rough
and tough and rarin' to go. Like a little tank. I came to understand
the toughness that boys get exposed to, when they handle it in a boy
way. But the first boy was not like this. He needed tenderness.
And I gave him plenty of it. But he needed more. He needed
acceptance. And I gave him plenty of it. But he needed more.
Now he's grown, and I watch in agony as he goes through diagnosis
after diagnosis (the current one being schizophrenia).
I watch as he goes through the hardness of life and the continued
lack of acceptance. As people continue to judge and "assess" him.
Yet he's entirely a charasmatic being. People flock to him.
He could be a pied piper.
He's charming, intelligent, handsome, creative.
When he plays the piano, it's almost a spiritual experience to watch.
He's a truly gifted individual. And he loves his baby.

I once said that being a mother is like having a steel pole driven
through your body. And the only way it will kill you, is if it's removed.
I feel like that every minute of every day.
You get used to the pain and you choose to be happy.
And you know what? They do too.

Feast or Famine

When my ex and I decided to separate, it was an amicable agreement. Sure, it was my idea, but he was alright with it. We were separating with a view to reconcile. We were to get counseling and try to work out some of our differences. Neither of us had a desire to throw away eighteen years of marriage! Really, in this day and age, that is nothing to sneeze at! *achoo!*

I started looking for a place to stay. He would stay in the house because he loved the house. I didn't. I never wanted to own a house and I still don't. He could keep the kids with him, as long as he kept the house. Truly, it was his behavior AFTER the separation that sealed the deal on the permanence of divorce. His behavior then put his behavior during the marriage to shame! (And it was pretty shitty!) But still, at some point, he suggested we go out one last time. Just to keep things nice, ya know. (this was while it was still amicable)

He is a cop. He had received an award for making the most drunk driving arrests the previous year and he had a certificate for free dinner for two at a pricey restaurant in San Diego. He thought this would be a fun way to go out with a "bang," so to speak. :) So we took off to the south.
We stopped in La Jolla to walk on the beach. At this point, he turned all ... hmmm... what's the word... well he turned on some ancient boyish charm. He carried my shoes. Told me stories of the history of the land, and such, proving his superiority intellectually. In short, he was wooing me. Didn't really work, but it was kinda cute. When we got into the car, he didn't even fuss at me about getting every single grain of sand off of my feet before getting in. He was like a real person. But sad, in a way. Just like a little broken boy. :(

Back on the way to the restaurant we were. He asked me to get the certificate out of the glove box so he could see the address. Up to this point, I didn't know the name of the restaurant we were going to. It was here that the humor of the situation hit, even as the final nail was hammered into the coffin of that union.

The name of the restaurant: Dick's Last Resort.

On a Lighter Note

I just got back from visiting family in Utah. My youngest son went with. In fact, he did 98% if the driving. He hadn't seen his niece since Christmas, so it's been awhile for him! And her second birthday is coming up on 9/11.

I was there two nights, and both nights my grandbaby spent the night. The first morning, I got up with her so her daddy could sleep in. I made her some scrambled eggs, toast and then she had some applesauce. I was tired, though, as I'd been up until one that morning. I took her outside to swing on the old swing in Mom and Dad's back yard. We had moved there in 1970, and I can't remember whether this swing was there already or if Dad put it up. Mom and Dad were gone on a trip, so I couldn't ask them! It's just a portion of fence, hung up with heavy cord onto one end of the clothesline. Just under the big tree. It's a real swing where you have to learn how to balance in order not to flip over on your head. Not like the newfangled things these days where you just get to put a kid into it and just let 'em hang there until they're sick of it. She was getting the hang of it, but was nowhere near ready to do it herself. So I picked her up and I walked and skipped and ran up and down the hill and played catch with her. I did this for about three hours and then went into the house and woke up daddy (and uncle). I said, "WHY would anyone ever have children? Now get up and take care of this baby. I'm going back to bed!" :)

(I forgot to add that I was going back to bed 'cause I'd been up all night partying! Like every grandma should!)

Okay... Here's More Things About The Thing

Here is what I said at another site about porn. (It's three posts, so it's long!)

Number One:

I used to feel pornography was to be accepted as something men... oh, for lack of a better word... need. I have a sister who's husband was addicted to porn. It wound up ruining her marriage. I tried to counsel her to take it easy on the guy. I mean, how is a man to resist it? I feel differently now.

I don't have a moral agenda against pornography. But I do believe (and many sex therapists will back me up on this, cause I've heard it from them repeatedly) that porn is detrimental to a healthy sexual relationship. Often, people who are struggling with sexual issues watch porn in order to help with them. Sex therapists will sometimes (not always) tell them that this will make things worse. And I believe it does skew the way men and women see sex and sexuality.

But all of that aside, let's address this porn insecurity issue. I was involved with a man who had not had a relationship with a woman in ten years. He pretty much totally depended on porn to... er... stir him up and keep things going. He had a pretty good sized collection. When we met, he was bowled over to find a woman who was so sexually driven. He said, "Oh I dont need this porn anymore! I have you!" (Well it is kinda true.. I am kinda like walking, private porn!) I told him I didn't care if he wanted to watch his porn from time to time. It was his business. After a time, he convinced me to move in with him. God knows how. It goes against every fiber of my being to actually LIVE with a man. We had a very active sex life. Then he started getting up out of bed and going online and watching porn. While I was in bed in the other room! And I was horny, too! I would go in and say, "what's up?" He'd sorta try to hide it and say, "oh, nuthin.. just readin emails" Hmmm... I said, "why are you in here looking at these girls when you have one who is ready, wiling and VERY able right in the next room?" He gave me some lame answer about getting ideas and doing it for me. (God help him. Poor guy.) Now, some of this was the "forbidden fruit" syndrome. (As I said, it wasn't I that forbid it... he grew up believing porn was wrong.) But really, I should never again like to be involved with a man who would rather watch porn alone, while I am at hand!

Number Two:

I realized after some serious thinking why it should bother me for my important person to be regularly viewing porn. It's because I want all of his experiences with naked women to be with me! There are arguments about whether or not "online" encounters are cheating, and I put this on the same level. Any intimate sexual encounter (and I am pretty sure that intimate emotional encounters count, too) should be classified as cheating, in my book. I would be extremely disturbed to find that my lover has been having cyber sex and/or phone sex with another woman. And even though with porn, you are not enjoying the participation of the woman, you are experiencing something intimate with her in mind. I think this would be highly destructive to your own exclusive relationship. If you don't want to be exclusive, then just don't be. Last I checked, this was still a free country!

Number Three:

Trouble is, porn can be a real addiction. Has nothing to do with the woman and whether or not she's making him feel wanted or if she's open and playful in the bedroom. Many a man really does feel the "pull of the screen" when the woman he's with has done nothing but make him feel all the things a man wants to feel. In fact, I think it's important to point out to women that if their guy is thus addicted, it is NOT a reflection on her inadequacies. Such is the same if her man is cheating on her. I do believe the old adage that if you don't give your husband a blow job, somebody will! But I don't think this should be taken to mean that men have license to go get it. It just means that they usually do. And when they do, it's THEIR trouble in dealing with their own needs properly, not YOUR failure to do so!

Seduction always begins in the mind. I believe pornography leads to discontentment and over time will lead to a man believing he is somehow missing out on something. It encourages infidelity. Any person who thinks it is strengthening the sexual bond is highly misled. Would it not then follow that swinging and other extramarital indulgences should strengthen, rather than weaken?

The relationship between a man and a woman is not based on sex or sexual experiences. Sex is the expression of what is happening between a man and a woman. Not the other way 'round. It doesn't get any more simple than that.