Haven't Got Time For The Pain?

As a mother, you feel you need to absorb so much.
Not having ever been a father, I don't know how it works for them.
But I can only describe it as like having to...
absorb impact.

My little son was so sensitive and sweet. He was just made that way.
There were people in his life that were much too hard on him.
And I had to let them be hard on him. I let them convince me that
he needed to be tough. And of course, this is true. We all need to
be tough. Unfortunatly, sometimes we forget that the world will
be tough enough. We don't have to be the ones to do it.
I still remember his big blue eyes. They are the same eyes of my
granddaughter, his baby girl. But she, being a girl, won't have so
much "toughness" inflicted on her. It's okay to be soft and sweet
with girls.
After I had my girl, and saw this, I realized that it's so much easier
to be a mother to a girl. When I became pregnant with number three,
I thought to myself that I would die if I had another boy. My heart
couldn't take it.
But it was a boy. And he was nothing like the first. He was rough
and tough and rarin' to go. Like a little tank. I came to understand
the toughness that boys get exposed to, when they handle it in a boy
way. But the first boy was not like this. He needed tenderness.
And I gave him plenty of it. But he needed more. He needed
acceptance. And I gave him plenty of it. But he needed more.
Now he's grown, and I watch in agony as he goes through diagnosis
after diagnosis (the current one being schizophrenia).
I watch as he goes through the hardness of life and the continued
lack of acceptance. As people continue to judge and "assess" him.
Yet he's entirely a charasmatic being. People flock to him.
He could be a pied piper.
He's charming, intelligent, handsome, creative.
When he plays the piano, it's almost a spiritual experience to watch.
He's a truly gifted individual. And he loves his baby.

I once said that being a mother is like having a steel pole driven
through your body. And the only way it will kill you, is if it's removed.
I feel like that every minute of every day.
You get used to the pain and you choose to be happy.
And you know what? They do too.

10 comments:

Turtle Guy said...

Some of life's greatest lessons learned are the most painful.

Melinda said...

That is so true. I've never thought of it just in that way. But when you really think about it, It makes perfect sense. I wish you all the support i can give from a distance. If you ever need anything just find my blog and let me know.

Melinda said...

Thanks so much for your input on my blog. I needed the support of others to ensure I wasn't just being overly jealous. He makes me feel like its nothing and I'm just being stupid to worry about it. I've been through 2 other marriages. That's why I think well maybe there is something wrong with me. But now I think I just pick the wrong ones.

Miss 1999 said...

All that matters is that he's loved- and that you provided him with everything he needed. That's the best gift any mother can give to her child. Best wishes :0)

Susiebadoozie said...

this is profound, your description of the steel pole.

i have a sensitive little guy. and his dad is the type that wants to toughen him up. thankfully i have him the majority of the time to buffer it, but its still hard. thats a long story though. i just know how it is to have a tender little boy.

Maisha said...

he has you.and i think your love and the love flowing inside him is enough to keep him strong as a rock however frail he may seem on the outside....

cathouse teri said...

Thanks for all the heartfelt comments.

My reward is in this. Here is the comment he posted at my myspace just before mother's day:

"For more than 24 years this woman has been my only example for unconditional love. Always there to quench my thirst for attention. it's an honor for me to call you mother."

Maisha said...

aw my gosh,he is sweet!is he married by any chance?(batting eyelids)lol....

cathouse teri said...

lol Maisha ~
He is sweet, and unmarried. But he is close to his ex girlfriend, who is the momma of that beautiful grandbaby of mine!

Maisha said...

pity...and here i was thinking....:)

lol!he is precious...and any woman,especially his mom,is lucky to have him!

tell him he has an admirer!