Okay... Here's More Things About The Thing

Here is what I said at another site about porn. (It's three posts, so it's long!)

Number One:

I used to feel pornography was to be accepted as something men... oh, for lack of a better word... need. I have a sister who's husband was addicted to porn. It wound up ruining her marriage. I tried to counsel her to take it easy on the guy. I mean, how is a man to resist it? I feel differently now.

I don't have a moral agenda against pornography. But I do believe (and many sex therapists will back me up on this, cause I've heard it from them repeatedly) that porn is detrimental to a healthy sexual relationship. Often, people who are struggling with sexual issues watch porn in order to help with them. Sex therapists will sometimes (not always) tell them that this will make things worse. And I believe it does skew the way men and women see sex and sexuality.

But all of that aside, let's address this porn insecurity issue. I was involved with a man who had not had a relationship with a woman in ten years. He pretty much totally depended on porn to... er... stir him up and keep things going. He had a pretty good sized collection. When we met, he was bowled over to find a woman who was so sexually driven. He said, "Oh I dont need this porn anymore! I have you!" (Well it is kinda true.. I am kinda like walking, private porn!) I told him I didn't care if he wanted to watch his porn from time to time. It was his business. After a time, he convinced me to move in with him. God knows how. It goes against every fiber of my being to actually LIVE with a man. We had a very active sex life. Then he started getting up out of bed and going online and watching porn. While I was in bed in the other room! And I was horny, too! I would go in and say, "what's up?" He'd sorta try to hide it and say, "oh, nuthin.. just readin emails" Hmmm... I said, "why are you in here looking at these girls when you have one who is ready, wiling and VERY able right in the next room?" He gave me some lame answer about getting ideas and doing it for me. (God help him. Poor guy.) Now, some of this was the "forbidden fruit" syndrome. (As I said, it wasn't I that forbid it... he grew up believing porn was wrong.) But really, I should never again like to be involved with a man who would rather watch porn alone, while I am at hand!

Number Two:

I realized after some serious thinking why it should bother me for my important person to be regularly viewing porn. It's because I want all of his experiences with naked women to be with me! There are arguments about whether or not "online" encounters are cheating, and I put this on the same level. Any intimate sexual encounter (and I am pretty sure that intimate emotional encounters count, too) should be classified as cheating, in my book. I would be extremely disturbed to find that my lover has been having cyber sex and/or phone sex with another woman. And even though with porn, you are not enjoying the participation of the woman, you are experiencing something intimate with her in mind. I think this would be highly destructive to your own exclusive relationship. If you don't want to be exclusive, then just don't be. Last I checked, this was still a free country!

Number Three:

Trouble is, porn can be a real addiction. Has nothing to do with the woman and whether or not she's making him feel wanted or if she's open and playful in the bedroom. Many a man really does feel the "pull of the screen" when the woman he's with has done nothing but make him feel all the things a man wants to feel. In fact, I think it's important to point out to women that if their guy is thus addicted, it is NOT a reflection on her inadequacies. Such is the same if her man is cheating on her. I do believe the old adage that if you don't give your husband a blow job, somebody will! But I don't think this should be taken to mean that men have license to go get it. It just means that they usually do. And when they do, it's THEIR trouble in dealing with their own needs properly, not YOUR failure to do so!

Seduction always begins in the mind. I believe pornography leads to discontentment and over time will lead to a man believing he is somehow missing out on something. It encourages infidelity. Any person who thinks it is strengthening the sexual bond is highly misled. Would it not then follow that swinging and other extramarital indulgences should strengthen, rather than weaken?

The relationship between a man and a woman is not based on sex or sexual experiences. Sex is the expression of what is happening between a man and a woman. Not the other way 'round. It doesn't get any more simple than that.


Strawberrie-Shortcake said...

hmm... good post. Not sure about my stance. I do think porn "de-sensitizes" us to some extent. ...but all forms of media do. It's definitely a personal issue and different for every individual.

But i'm pretty sure my man getting out of bed WITH ME to log on ...would be a bad idea and could pose serious health risks for him;)

Askinstoo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Maisha said...

nice blog....and i agree with you.our men here live and breathe pron.it is sad...

Maisha said...

i meant porn not pron.:)

Strawberrie-Shortcake said...

...I found something interesting last night.. not that i was looking ..but ..apparently there are "reality porn sites" ...oddly enough, people REALLY DO hide cameras and post their escapades online... I guess I'm just naive **looks shocked** I thought I was pretty experienced.

Susiebadoozie said...

this is so well said. wow...

i hope you don't mind, but i linked this post over to her blog and told her to read this. maybe you can visit her and make a comment to help with her thoughts?

Miss 1999 said...

You are so correct- porn can become an addiction VERY quickly, and easily. I am a friends with a man who's deeply addicted to sexual chat. He's happily married, and deeply religious, and constantly struggles with his addiction. He can't admit it to his wife, because he lost his last job over it.

It's terrible how overpowering porn can be.

I'm not completely against porn. I mean, I'm not opposed to seeing a nice looking man naked- but is it something I do daily- of course not. There's a fine line, and unfortunately, more often than not, too many people cross it.

Thanks for sharing your views. :0)

cathouse teri said...

I see a nice looking naked man almost daily, but that's in my bedroom! :)

Fact is, if I'm looking at porn, I prefer to look at naked women. They are usually much prettier. Naked men aren't usually nice to look at. (Except, of course, the naked man in my bedroom!)

Wolfe said...

Looking at the names, all your commenters are female. Or men very good at choosing effeminate names. Like "Stawberrie-shortcake". I hope female!

So here's a man's view.

Porn is messed up. When I was young (late teens, early 20's), I loved READING porn. Admit it, so do most women. Romance novels are all soft-porn for women.

No, I didn't read romance novels, but I'd read *cough* internet stories.

As I got into my 20's and now my 30's, I admit... pictures got more interesting. Men seem to like pictures. Women seem to like words. If you read romance novels, don't disparage a man's liking for porn. Seriously.

My last girlfriend got enraged over the fact that I'd faithfully buy the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition -- and nothing else from SI.

I'm baffled. I was honest; I told her: yes, I like you more, but I also like looking at pictures of scantily clad women. I don't compare you to them; I know nothing about their personalities; they'd be no doubt high maintenance women.

Yet she still was very, very angry about the matter.

I didn't buy playboy; I didn't spend hours surfing net porn... But wow, was she mad, and all I did was be honest.

I picked up one of her romance novels and read a random page to her. It was all "lusting and throbbing". Good grief. What the #)*#$ is that?

She just got more angry.

I then concluded most women are crazy.


cathouse teri said...

You are so right, wolfe. Those romance novels are just as pornographic. And, in all fairness I must say, I believe women steeped in that type of porn are also hindering their own growth. It's good for a young woman. If I know a woman my age who is still reading those (Leslie!) I know she's missing some pieces. :)

starry nights said...

Thank you for sharing this post.I have to totally agree with you. I think any man who is into porn everyday has a problem.I dont mind him occasio0nally looking at a naked woman but cyber sex is adultery.It is not allright.