What I Wish I Would Have Done For My Children

I have great kids. They are the light of my world. I wrote that on a card for each of them at Christmas and gave them a candle to go with it. I love light. And I wish I could have given them more of it when they were young.

I'm afraid I chose a man of darkness as a spouse, and parent of my children. That happens a lot. A person of light chooses a person of darkness because they think they can bring them out of it. It's stupid. It's a concept that is validated by movies like, "Sound of Music." You know the drill. Asshole man meets good woman and asshole man turns into perfect and kindly man.

So, we gave birth to three little lights. Still, not enough light to bring him out. I could never figure out why. But now I know. He loves his darkness. You can't take someone out of something they love.

The children are fine. They are beautiful human beings. I've written a lot about them here. And it's their light that saved me. But I wish I hadn't made them live so long in the darkness. I wish that when they looked back they saw more happiness and less misery. I wish I could have been the free mother I am now, back then.

Ah well. You know the old saying. If wishes were horses...

10 comments:

Jenn in Holland said...

Oh. A lot to think about with this post.
It's hard I think to face and/or talk about the painful things we have done, seen, experienced... inflicted upon ourselves and our children. You did that well here. The best part being of course that you "saw the light" and did right by all of you. I find that remarkable and hope that you see that too.

cathouse teri said...

Yes, all very hard to ponder. But all things did work out for good, in spite of me and because of Him who holds me (and us) in His hand.

Ambassador said...

Who among us hasn't tried to "save" someone we love, or loved someone because we were convinced we could.

You have light. The greatest thing you can do is to continue sharing that light and letting your kids shine back on you.

I find you very brave for addressing this here and so eloquently. Peace. Ken

ZoeyBella said...

I think a lot of people out there wish they could do things differently. But the important thing is how things have turned out :)

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

Your goodness and beauty as a person will more than make up for it believe me... anytime they remember the darkness... they'll remember your light... and they'll be fine. Trust me .. i know this... my father is darker than anybody i know... and i made it ok.. it's been hard cos i was in that situation for so long... but every day... it gets better.. the darkness fades more and more... to shades of gray... keep on keeping on cathouse... this is a wonderful writeup.. your kids are lucky to have you

Gunfighter said...

Teri,

I've gone the try-to-save-someone-from-the-darkness route before, with similar results. I have also drawn similar conclusions.

Let your light shine, friend.

Gunfighter said...

Teri,

I have finished your questions.... email me so I can send the to you.

GF

ian said...

One of my greatest fears is that my children will look back upon me as the "man of darkness". I try to be the best father I can be. It's all any man can do, I guess.

Ian

Ba Doozie said...

I try to be the lightness in the boy's life. Funny enough, his darkness father likes to take all the credit for the goodness in the boy. Apparently I have done nothing right so far according to someone

Silver Dragon said...


cathouse teri said:
"I'm afraid I chose a man of darkness as a spouse, and parent of my children. That happens a lot. A person of light chooses a person of darkness because they think they can bring them out of it. It's stupid. It's a concept that is validated by movies like, "Sound of Music." You know the drill. Asshole man meets good woman and asshole man turns into perfect and kindly man."

I would like to approach this topic as respectfully as I can.

I just don't get it!

Can someone please explain to me the allure of jerks to the 'good women'?